Okay yeah my mistake is now official.

I could get used to a life like this with you, morning brunch on a lazy weekend, mugging at your study lounge where the slightest physical contact ignites sparks, you coming over at night with desserts stolen from your servery for my roommates and then all of us catch an episode or two of HIMYM together.
But I cant, because I wont be here forever. And we are running out of time.

I'm torn, and it feels terrible because when I'm finally admitting that I do have feelings for you, I also simultaneously realize that we can never be together. Now we have to figure out what kind of a relationship we can settle for and what kind of a compromise we are willing to make. It will be bad for both of us because we are gonna fall into a vicious cycle of being brutally open and honest, then becoming closer, then wanting more and then realizing that this wouldn't work. I wish we can fall in love like normal people, I wish we can be reckless and not think about consequences, but we can't. Just once I would like an uncomplicated love story that lasts and never give me a heartache.

"Tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall."

Things I'm thankful for this week

1. Roommates. I like our little tradition of taking pictures on photo-booth before every event we went for, I like our Bollywood movie night where we temporarily forget about the mountains of work we have and instead ogle at Hrithik Roshan, I like how we talk about our screw date, and cute boys, and creepy boys, and make plans for Halloween and Christmas.

2. Screw Yer Roommate. This is basically an event where your roommate will set you up for a blind date, dress you (and your screw date) in matching clothes, and you go to the academic quad to search for your other half. So I went with my screw date's gang of friends for dinner and lasertag and it was so much fun. Also got to know a very good looking Singaporean in his senior year doing Poli. It's such a rare thing to find cute looking Poli guy its not even funny.

3. Screw date. On a related note, I'm thankful that my screw date is not some random creepy boy. We hit off pretty well, and we went out once more for dinner in Asian Town yesterday for pho and bubble tea. After that we went back to campus and he showed me some pretty cool places in Rice. He's really the first person I know to write 5pages of text messages consistently because to him that makes it more like a conversation. People are starting to stir us already but it will never happen.

4. Skype. Because seeing some of my favorite people from back home is so comforting. Skyped with Xinhui last week and with van and ngiam this week. It's a good time talking for hours with xhui, finally being updated by vanny about the life I'm missing in SG, and having retarded moments with ngiam when we show off our stash of food in hall and plan for foodhunts for when I'm finally back home.

5. Transition to fall. The weather is getting more chilly which is really nice because it means scorching hot days are now over and I can start wearing boots and trench coats and scarves. And pumpkin spiced latte!!!! second best thing from Starbucks (the best thing is always vanilla latte, which is my standard order for quite a while now).

6. Being in Rice. There are still times where I walk to class and feel extremely overwhelmed and incredibly lucky to be here. I have professors encouraging us to be curious, to never be satisfied when reading a paper and to always probe further. I have talked to lecturers that gave me so many ideas for upcoming paper I can't let them down. I have a mountain of readings waiting for me to read and digest them, but I'm not complaining.
Everyone's telling me to stay for one more semester, and sometimes I wish I can do that.

"Everything you do, you pay for. So if you're going to kiss me, you'd best be prepared to bleed."
i wrote this for you